The Very Gradual A to Z guide to Zimmer Zen - finally got there

W is for Wesak (party time)

This term is used to denote a festival held to mark the birth, death and enlightenment of the Buddha, and is generally celebrated in the Theravadin traditions. It usually falls on a full-moon night in May each year and provides an ideal opportunity to have a party - no alcohol or other mind-altering substances allowed of course.

Zim-Zen Tip: These can be joyous occasions and provides an opportunity to reflect upon the Buddha and the founder of Zimmer Zen, Sid Arthur-itis. However be sure to take an ordinary nap (as opposed to a power nap) in the afternoon as these sort of things can go on late into the night. It's also probably a good idea to bring something warm to wear as you may be required to be outdoors for a while.

X is for...
Well, I can't think of anything you might need to know about Zimmer Zen beginning with X so just move on to Y - very gradually, of course.

Y is for Yoga
As a Zimmer Zen practitioner you may already have some experience of yoga, and if you do you will know that it's a spiritual practice focused on controlling the mind and body, with the aim of attaining liberation from our embodied existence. If you are a Yoga practitioner and are focused on your posture (or asana), be sure to keep taking your cod liver oil pills as they can help.

Zim-Zen Tip: There's no point in feeling physically uncomfortable when you practice in the Zimmer Zen tradition - so forget the full-lotus posture. And if you suffer from haemorrhoids it's probably not a good idea to sit on the floor anyway, so do be gentle with yourself!

Z is for Zimmer Zen
Well, this is what this blog is all about. Zimmer Zen came into existence not to make fun of old age, but to see the funny side of growing older. It also came into being to show that Buddhism itself could benefit from taking itself more lightly too. Hopefully, practitioners of Zimmer Zen will value sincerity more than seriousness where religion is concerned, and will do what they can to spread the word - and always remember that the best Zim-Zen word is "smile".

Zim-Zen Tip: If you like to focus on a mantra we recommend the word "smiles" - as the old joke goes there's a mile between the first and last 's'! Groan at the joke by all means - but smile too!

Well, that's the end of the very gradual A to Z guide to Zimmer Zen. Next, I'll be looking at how what's been explored here can be incorporated into our daily lives in a new post called "Zimmer Zen In Practice" (or ZZIP) so do stay tuned!

I'd also appreciate any comments/feedback, if there's anyone out there of course. Just talking to myself is a bit worrying to be honest... anyway, time to get back to my power napping practice.

The Very Gradual A to Z Guide to Zimmer Zen - almost there...

S is for Satori (seeing things the way they really are)
This is a Japanese Zen term for experiencing things directly for yourself, rather than relying on what you've been told or what you have come to believe about reality. One way of looking at this is to remember those moments in your life when you knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that your life is perfect just the way it is.

ZimZen Tip: In ZimZen we call these experiences those "a-ha!" moments when something you've experienced becomes perfectly clear for the first time. Making sure that you regularly clean your glasses may also help.

T is for Tea Ceremony (ritualised tea drinking)
In Japanese Zen this is a very formal and posh practice that some say was used as a way to combat drowsiness whilst meditating. It's been practised since the 12th Century and has now become something of an art form.

ZimZen Tip: If you choose to take part in a tea ceremony make sure you choose the right kind of tea. You need to use the best quality tea so try to avoid Tesco's own brand and definitely do not use tea bags. Earl Grey is probably OK.

U is for Upasaka/Upasika (lay Buddhist men and women)
This is a Buddhist term for those of us who have had to fit our practice into our busy lives going out to work and bringing up families, rather than deciding to become monks or nuns.

ZimZen Tip: Given the vow of celibacy that Buddhist monks and nuns take, they still need us lay folk to produce the next generation of Buddhists if the dharma is not to die out. So rejoice in the fact that you have enjoyed sex in your life and may have brought forth children, who in turn may also bring forth grandchildren for you.

V is for Vihara (a roof over your head when it rains)
This term literally means a temporary dwelling - a kind of Buddhist Bed and Breakfast - where monks can stay for a while when the weather gets bad. In modern times, a vihara is a Buddhist monastery, not so much a B & B as a permanent residence for monks and nuns.

ZimZen Tip: It can be very helpful to stay at a Buddhist vihara from time to time during bad weather, so do take the opportunity if it arises. These days they have comfortable rooms and (in the more upmarket vihara) a place to park your zimmer frame. All rooms are non-smoking.

The Very Gradual A to Z Guide to Zimmer Zen - onwards and upwards...

P is for Puja (a Buddhist ritual form of worship)

There are many forms of Puja in Buddhism, from the simple offering of flowers and a bit of chanting (aka community singing), to a more elaborate ceremony that may involve bending your bones to perform full-body prostrations - a kind of spiritual workout for your embodied self.

Zim-Zen Tip: A little bit of puja is a good thing and can be very inspiring but do be careful. Doing full-length prostrations can be strenuous and may cause embarrassment if you have to call an ambulance to help you get off up the floor.

Q is for....
Well, after consulting three Buddhist dictionaries I can't find any entries beginning with the letter "Q" - although the Oxford Dictionary of Buddhism cheats and includes the single line "Questions of King Milinda", so I think I'll cheat too and as far as I'm concerned, Q is for Queuing.

Zim-Zen Tip: You can safely bet your weekly pension on the fact that you will almost certainly spend a lot more time queuing than you will doing formal ZimZen practice. One way of utilising the time you spend waiting at supermarket checkouts or at bus stops is to develop what we call a "two-for-the-price-of-one" practice - devote equal time to reflecting on patience as the queue gets longer and on compassion for those who barge in front of you.

R is for Rebirth (born-again Buddhism)
This is the pre-Buddhist idea that after we die we come back in some form to do it all over again - and again. But as you've grown older you might have noticed that the "birth" bit of rebirth fades, and the reality of the fact that we will all eventually pop our cloggs becomes more prominent.

Zim-Zen Tip: It might be helpful to focus on "re-dying" rather than rebirth as it was a very long time ago when you made your entry into the universe this time around. One word of warning though: taking comfort in the idea of rebirth can lead to the desire to procrastinate - to put things off in this life that you might (or might not) deal with in your next one.

The Very Gradual A to Z guide to Zimmer Zen - plodding on again...

Time to move on a bit further...

L is for Lotus (flower power)
In Buddhism, the lotus is seen as a symbol of purity as its roots are immersed in mud but it blossoms above the water. Traditionally, the mud represents greed, hatred and delusion and the blossom signifies enlightenment. Quite a lot of Zimmer Zen practitioners are avid gardeners so they get the connection straight away.

Zim-Zen Tip: The Zen tradition has a strong horticultural connection but if you are one of those who feel that all you can grow in your garden is tired try not to despair. Just take a power nap and dream of lotus blossoms.

M is for Mara (the devil on your Zimmer frame)
Mara is traditionally seen as the voice of temptation. It's the voice we hear when we'd rather be down the pub or breaking any of the other precepts rather than practising Zimmer Zen.

Zim-Zen Tip: Ignore the voice if you can. If that doesn't work you could try singing out loud to drown out Mara's whisper - or as a last result try switching off your hearing aid (if you have one).

N is for Nirvana (the last breath)
This is another tricky issue for Zim-Zen practitioners. There are many ways of understanding it but Nirvana is usually translated as the blowing out of the flame of desire - mind you, blowing anything out takes a lot more effort as you get older, so do take care.

Zim-Zen Tip: Practitioners who have problems with breathing should be mindful about blowing out things (including the flame of desire) - however, if you have a puffer to help you breathe it could be helpful.

O is for OM (a spiritual work-out for your voice)
Om is an ancient Indian sacred sound thought to have great spiritual power. It's used to help you focus your mind but I've no idea how it works - if you know how it works I'd love to know.

Zim-Zen Tip: Reciting OM for too long may bring on a coughing fit so do be careful if you take up this practice. Reciting UM is a a little less stressful, but it may also connect you to a Buddhist website called "Unfettered Mind" so do remain mindful.

The Very Gradual A to Z Guide to Zimmer Zen - still on track (for now)

I've been on a power-nap retreat but am back now
so moving on slowly....

I is for Inka (a kind of spiritual certificate)
Traditionally, this is a Japanese seal of approval from a Zen master that confirms you are enlightened - or pretty close to it anyway. In Zimmer Zen we award these very rarely and only to those who can demonstate beyond doubt that they have completed an intense training programme in power-napping. They may also be required to show that their life is an eternal delight.

Zim-Zen Tip: If you want to add one of these certificates to your CV you will need to demonstrate that you have been experiencing delight in your life and that you are not addicted to power-napping.

J is for Jataka (or what you did before you discovered Zimmer Zen)
In classical Buddhism this refers to the accounts of the Buddha's former lives. All we require is that you are willing to share your experiences of what good and bad things you did in your life before you discovered Zimmer Zen.

Zim-Zen Tip: Try not to let your memories run away with you and resist the temptation to confess too much about all the naughty but nice experiences you've had. You might regret it later.

K is for Karma (what we do with our lives)
This is a very tricky Buddhist term for Zimmer Zen practitioners as there are lots of ways to interpret it and yet it's basically quite simple: if you think, say or do good things you should live a much happier life but if you think, say or do bad things then basically you're buggered!

ZimZen Tip: Just remember that hindsight helps you to understand where you've come from, foresight helps you to understand where you're going, and insight helps you to understand where you're at right now. Reciting the mantra "shit happens!" may help too.